You are responsible for your feelings.

“You broke my heart.”, “You hurt me.”, “You are responsible for my pain!”, “You made me feel so….”

Have you ever been told one of the above phrases before? Sounds familiar? Many of us faced similar statements, which could be called, without going too far, sort of accusation.

And quite honestly, who of us never told them to other person too? I admit I did, and probably many times. Not anymore.

That does not mean that I don’t get hurt anymore, that I don’t get turned down, that I don’t get rejected and refused. I do, but I learned to react to these situations in a different way.

Saying to others that they are responsible for the way you feel, is the same thing as saying: you have control over my feelings = you are controlling me. It is not me who is the unique commander of my ship; you are holding the wheel too. And what follows is a vicious circle of ups and downs- hopeful expectations and sorrowful disappointments. 

Way out of this circle is by assuming the responsibility. Believe it or not, everything that happens in your life is the sole responsibility of one person: you. In some life scenarios, this might seem too big a piece to swallow – how could I possibly be responsible for being in a plane crash??  Hard to admit, I know, but I believe that even in such extreme cases it is true. Everything happening in our life has a good reason and was brought to us by the attractive quality of energy we give out. Not to crash us down, but to redirect our course, to communicate. Universe is talking to you every moment of your life; you just need to tune in the right radio frequency to become receptive. 

This is a very broad subject, so to keep it simple(r), in this blog I will concentrate only on the part of responsibility connected to feelings.

Love, hate, jealousy, admiration, respect, awe, fear, sadness, happiness…all of these are feelings. The list could go on and on, random feelings, some of them are synonyms, some of them occupy quite the opposite field. But they all have one common denominator: their source. They are all generated inside of you.  And as such, they are your creations. They are not externally acquired entities, floating up in the air and waiting to be absorbed by whoever happens to pass by.  

So what is a feeling? Feeling is our first reaction to a situation, to sensual perception or a thought. Feeling is a powerful communication tool. Feeling is an indicator based on past experience – you’ll probably get the feeling of fear seeing a big dog running around free if you were bitten by one before- but not only that. Feeling can also be the gateway to our immortal soul; it can be the fine bridge, the golden telephone line to the calling of our heart, which I think, is the language of our soul. How else could you get a feeling from something you never experienced in the past, even before your mind grasps it in its super fast processing machine and judges it good or bad? Sitting in presence of enlightened person or observing a masterpiece of art- these are examples of how feelings can be tied to the instinctive quality of our heart and not only to the automatic pattern of past experience. In this way, feeling can be both trustworthy guide and a misleading judge. And distinguishing one from the other is walking a fine line.

One wise person said: “The first thought is that of God”. And I go with that. The first feeling that comes in fraction of second, before any rational analysis is processed, is the one I trust as being closest to my heart. Anything which comes later, has been analyzed, judged and labeled by intricate pattern of mind, which is a very fine thing, but a constructed one. For the latter, putting yourself in the position of observer, giving yourself the right to doubt, to look in silence, instead of identifying yourself with whatever feelings are pouring out of you and thus making them your reality, might be a healthy practice towards equanimity, the inner peace and out of the circle of ups and downs. To put is simply: it is crucial to understand, that we are not our feelings. Feeling constantly pessimistic does not make us pessimistic person- that is just another label, which has nothing in common with our true nature. What we mostly believe we are is nothing but solidified beliefs of our prevailing feelings. And beliefs, however real they might look will always remain just that- beliefs.

Feelings are ours and thanks God we have them! The outrageous, pitiful, angry, furious and painful as well, because those in particular throw us so far from the loving calm of our real nature, that the opportunity to see through their scheme is much bigger. The chance to realize that not the situation or person, but our reaction to feelings gives them the weight and subsequent impact reflecting in our lives.

Feelings are ours and thanks God we have them! What a wonderful way to feel alive! What an amazing tool of guidance! They are our children and it is up to us if we’ll play with them or they’ll play with us. If we don’t assume the responsibility of our feelings and most of all: of the way we react to them, the chance to open new wounds is very high.

We are not robots and most of us are not at the spiritual level of Buddha either, so we might still get hurt by other people, but by assuming the responsibility for our feelings, we get hurt much less, for shorter period of time and we give ourselves the chance to heal.

Blame is pointing outside of you. If I blame you for what is happening inside of me, not only I am saying that you are in control of my life, but I am also saying that only you possess the right ingredient to repair the damage. Now that is a whole lot of expectations from somebody who you can never totally understand because you don’t live in her/his head, whose secret dreams and desires you have no idea about, whose previous path is a mystery you’ll never reveal.

And that is why, my dear friend, I wish you the courage to be brave and bright enough to stand up and say: “I am the commander of my life and of all that happens in it. You might have inspired a flow of feelings from inside of me, of which not all were pleasant, not all were cheerful, but they were all mine. I let them touch me gently, like fire flames, but I did not let them seed the blame and pain. And thanks to that contact, I learned, I became wiser, and I became stronger. Thank you for this opportunity to grow!”

By taking the responsibility for the way you feel, you are assuming power over your life and your creative power becomes stronger. By putting and end to blaming of others as source of your misery, you are eradicating the self pity and victimhood out of your existence, and that is one feeling you’ll be glad to say good-bye to.

Peace and Love,

Jan